Introducing... a brand new superhero! Insecure Girl!

Cripes. Can I learn to take a fucking compliment? Can someone teach me how to do this? I am 36 effing years old, and insecurities that stemmed in FIFTH GRADE (fifth grade! 26ish years ago, FFS!) are still eating my lunch. And getting in the damned way of so very much.

I guess when you hear negativity for so many years, you begin to believe it.

Reversing those beliefs doesn't just happen overnight. And when the actions of others seem to reinforce those beliefs, others whose opinions really matter to you, well, it just sucks. And it hurts. And you feel like no matter what you'd do to make a change, it wouldn't matter.

I am learning that the only opinion that matters is my own. And that's great, and I get it, but execution is slightly more difficult. I crave acceptance. I've always been low man on the Totem pole as far as popularity went, but it's more than that - I took those feelings and stuffed them into this little space in my heart, and where a diamond should have been born, it stayed a cold, black rock.

I have an amazing group of friends and family who are of the utmost support, and they provide the teeny tiny little pickaxes that will bust apart that rock - but I also have the voices that aren't so teeny tiny that keep pouring what seems like concrete down in the cracks of progress I make.

Going through the divorce process certainly isn't helping. You want to be my best friend? That's great. Not good enough for wife anymore, but be your friend. Mmmhmm. I think other insecure folks will understand how devastating that is. Sure, it could be worse. We could fight like cats and dogs and scream and call each other names and blame each other for our life falling apart - but in my mind, that's what would make sense as to why we split. Not the feelings of just not being good enough anymore.

I wish I could take this anxiety, this mess, this feeling of inadequacy and mold it into a force of confidence to be reckoned with - an "I'm not good enough for you - FUCK YOU, I'M TOWANDA!" mentality. But I'm just not there yet. And I don't know that I'll ever be there. But I do know I'm going to be okay. I'm going to come out of this stronger, more aware, and knowing more about myself and what I want my life to be - it is an opportunity that I can't turn down.

Winter reflection.

Looking out my kitchen window, you'll see my backyard. The actual image of my backyard is very different than what I envision it will look like one day. Right now, the trees are bare; stark, dark, haunted. Patches of mud peek through the snow, which is supposed to fall in excess today of 15 inches. I long for the snow; it's magic will cover the desolation of my view and drape it in a wonderland of new.

I equate my backyard to the emptiness I feel inside as of late - stark, dark, haunted. Like a tree in the winter, just waiting for spring, not knowing when it's rebirth will be allowed to take place. Just waiting, yet hesitant to anticipate what this new season will bring. Like a late blizzard swooping in to stomp on the dreams of the tree waiting for spring, I also do not know when this heaviness inside will subside and allow my own self to bloom.

But also like the tree, I have learned patience. I still have a purpose, just like the tree in the winter. We carry on, the tree and me, and wait for what we know will come eventually.

Easy like Sunday morning...

This Sunday morning has been pretty easy - Shortpants let me sleep until 7, he's been doing a pretty good job of keeping himself occupied so I can bring my caffeine level up to where it should be, and the sun is out. I have a much easier time staying positive when it's not an overcast, gloomy kind of day, although weather-wise? Those are my favorite. I love a day that promotes blankets and books and warm drinks!

Life is pretty good the last few days. Work attitudes are getting better, which makes me not need to come up with a creative way of almost dying so I don't have to go in (seriously, I've never been so close to walking out on a job before just because of people who I have to be around. Get over yourselves, ye martyrs.), AXH (Almost eX Husband) has pretty much left me alone or has been easy to deal with, and I got to hang out with an old friend Friday night. It's also a three-day weekend, and who doesn't love that?!

Being just the two of us here, when one of us goes to bed around 7-7330 (usually and hopefully), leaves a lot of time for thoughts to pinball around my head. I pray that starts to settle down. I also pray that it will be easier to shut off my annoyance/disgust/feeling like barfing/general malaise when I see AXH post on facebook and add females whose profile pictures are centered on their cleavage with the background of a bar bathroom.

It's not jealousy. It's self-criticism at it's finest - I wasn't good enough, and THAT'S what you're going for? Okaaaaaaay. I can't decide if it makes me feel really good or really shitty. But wasting time on even contemplating the answer is not on my to-do list for today, so I need to do my best to shove those kind of thoughts right out. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure how to do that yet.

Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like spending it at the divorce attorney's office.

Yeah.

So I met with my attorney today, bla bla bla... he's great. Super supportive. Super smart. And with an attitude of "This is MY motherfucking courtroom."

I may or may not have wanted to jump him on the conference table. 

Anyway, it was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. But I've got a plan, and we're moving forward. And, he seems to think that with a letter from Shortpants's doctor that he can get the 60 waiting period waived, so I could be unmarried sooner rather than later.

Weird. So, so weird.

I just feel like I'm in a fog. And it's not the beer this time. 

I'm really excited tomorrow is Friday. For many reasons, none of which to be divulged as of yet. 

Meh.

I haven't written anything in a while.

Haven't had much to say.

Kind of hard to find words when they're coated in anger and I'm trying to behave.

Quinn had an ear infection and RSV, which was led to a completely awesome time in the ER. Nose swab, check. Kicked in the face by a three year old in hulkSMASH mode? Check. Get the slightest taste of revenge because the liquid zithromax tastes like rotten asshole? CHECK.

Poor kid. He felt as bad as that crap tastes. He is back to business, just a slight cough. Evidently all his germs took residence in my throat, as I haven't had a voice for a couple of days.

I need to make a mental note to go into detail over the bipolar-ness of dear husband this weekend. Week. Whatever. I meet with an attorney tomorrow to go over the paperwork I've done and get advice on the whole child support thang.

Dolla dolla bills, y'all. *snort* How about don't wanna get my shit repo-ed, y'all. Yeah, that's more like it.

Oh. Yeah. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Yip-fucking-pee. Hey me? Next year? Don't wait until the 13th to buy Valentines, expecting there to be some, and there's not, so you have to spend two hours making them. Okay? Okay.

Some self-regulation or wishful thinking?

So the croup monster has invaded our house, slithered in without anyone noticing and parked it under Quinn's bed. Croup, you are a giant suck! I had croup all the time when I was little, and it can be so scary for both baby and mama. :(

So even though we both got not much sleep from him barking like a seal, someone was in an extremely good mood, considering the circumstances. But, after about an hour of playing, refusing breakfast (except some pudding with his meds), he wanted back in bed. I gave him an extra pillow to prop up on, he covered himself up, and snuggled down. My heart broke and melted at the same time.

I am so proud of him for showing me what he needed! He pointed to the bed! He knew he needed to rest! Is it a fluke, eh, maybe - but who cares!!!???

I'm floored. In a good way this time.

My support system, i.e., my friends and family, is second-to-none. Sure, we argue and bicker and tell each other like it is - which I most definitely need to hear occasionally - but I have the most amazing group of people that I could ever surround myself with.

My heart is full.