Introducing... a brand new superhero! Insecure Girl!

Cripes. Can I learn to take a fucking compliment? Can someone teach me how to do this? I am 36 effing years old, and insecurities that stemmed in FIFTH GRADE (fifth grade! 26ish years ago, FFS!) are still eating my lunch. And getting in the damned way of so very much.

I guess when you hear negativity for so many years, you begin to believe it.

Reversing those beliefs doesn't just happen overnight. And when the actions of others seem to reinforce those beliefs, others whose opinions really matter to you, well, it just sucks. And it hurts. And you feel like no matter what you'd do to make a change, it wouldn't matter.

I am learning that the only opinion that matters is my own. And that's great, and I get it, but execution is slightly more difficult. I crave acceptance. I've always been low man on the Totem pole as far as popularity went, but it's more than that - I took those feelings and stuffed them into this little space in my heart, and where a diamond should have been born, it stayed a cold, black rock.

I have an amazing group of friends and family who are of the utmost support, and they provide the teeny tiny little pickaxes that will bust apart that rock - but I also have the voices that aren't so teeny tiny that keep pouring what seems like concrete down in the cracks of progress I make.

Going through the divorce process certainly isn't helping. You want to be my best friend? That's great. Not good enough for wife anymore, but be your friend. Mmmhmm. I think other insecure folks will understand how devastating that is. Sure, it could be worse. We could fight like cats and dogs and scream and call each other names and blame each other for our life falling apart - but in my mind, that's what would make sense as to why we split. Not the feelings of just not being good enough anymore.

I wish I could take this anxiety, this mess, this feeling of inadequacy and mold it into a force of confidence to be reckoned with - an "I'm not good enough for you - FUCK YOU, I'M TOWANDA!" mentality. But I'm just not there yet. And I don't know that I'll ever be there. But I do know I'm going to be okay. I'm going to come out of this stronger, more aware, and knowing more about myself and what I want my life to be - it is an opportunity that I can't turn down.